Dear In the Blues,
I was thinking today back to when I was in my teens, and well… All I wanted was someone to love me. I mean, I knew that my parents loved me, but I wanted someone… One specific person to love me so much that they couldn’t live without me, go a day without seeing or talking to me. Does anyone else have those feelings? I know you do.
Probably one of the most difficult times in my life was during my teen year; not for the typical reasons you may think though. I was a pretty normal girl that got along with almost everyone in my classes and didn’t really care much about popularity. My fashion had some growing to do, my hair was a constant adventure, and my emotions were all over the place. But that still sounds like a normal teenager, right?
But what most people didn’t know, was that behind that “normal” girl’s smiling face, was someone that was breaking apart inside. I was so alone and full of sadness that the only way to hide it, was to turn off my emotions completely and simply breathe through life.
Let me explain…
I would get up in the mornings, get dressed, and drive to school. I always arrived about 1/2 hour early just to make sure I would get there with plenty of time to prepare myself for my classes, but also so that I didn’t get stuck in normal Chicago traffic on the way. There was about a 5 to 10-minute time slot that I had to leave my house by if I wanted to arrive at school before the first bell. If I missed that time slot, it was guaranteed that I would be late for opening announcements. At school, I mostly stayed busy in my studies and not getting into trouble, which meant keeping to myself. I often had homework due to my learning disablity, dyslexia, but was allowed to finish up what I could when classes ended at 3:00. I would stay at school until about 6, then head home to change, get something to eat, and then head to the library. This was my daily routine all throughout my high school years. Still sound relatively normal?
It does until you learn that I often found myself to be the only one at home in the mornings, so I had no one to help me get up and to school. There were no buses for me to take due to attending a small, private school, so I had to be responsible for myself at 16 years old when I got my driver’s license. But also, I didn’t leave school until I absolutely had to, because I knew that when I returned home I would usually walk into a high-stress environment full of arguing and blaming. That is also why I would grab a couple of things after changing and leave for the library before either of my parents spoke a word to me. The library would close at 9, which was always the time I chose to leave, but I dreaded having to go home. I feared going home because I believed that all the love was gone from my house. It didn’t feel like a home, it felt like a place three people just happened to be stuck living together in.
I couldn’t tell anyone what I was going through – I was too embarrassed and ashamed. That’s when I started to bury everything I was feeling way down inside of me, and began to live without feelings. People say that women can’t turn off their emotions, thinking that we are emotional creatures, but I can 100% say that you can if feeling is worse than going through life emotionless. 6 years I was like this. No one knew, not even my parents. Eventually they did because I told them that if they didn’t figure things out that at 18 years old I would leave and never see either one of them again.
So for me to say that I just wanted that special someone’s love, what I really meant was I just wanted to be loved by someone. My entire existence was Blue. I had nothing to look forward to, no hope, and well… For a time, no real desire to continue living.
You might be thinking that this is a really depressing letter. And it is… Up to now.
God didn’t let me stay in the hopeless state. He revealed himself to me through the love of one of my teachers, then another teacher, and finally after months of counseling, my parents. He showed me that the love I was so desperate to have, from a Mr. Right, could only be given by God himself. The emptiness inside my heart wasn’t due to the lack of a man’s love or my parent’s love, it was because I needed Him to fill it up.
For so many years, I had gone through life thinking that there wasn’t anyone out there who understood me or wanted me. But all along the God of the universe, who created me, loved me so much that he desired me to come to him for love in my times of need. When I finally decided to give myself over to his care, that is when I could open my heart and emotions and finally start living. I found love, He was always there. It just took me a while to realize His call to me.
So, Lady in the Blues, don’t allow years to go by looking for love in the wrong places. There is already someone out there ready and willing to give you all the love you could ever imagine. Not only is He always ready for you, but he is available to you when ever you call on him. But the key is… Are you willing to open up your heart and let him fill you up today?
Signing off,
Tami