Dear Bozo or Boaz,
It took me a long time to understand that my youth shaped my idea of what type of relationship I thought I deserved in my future. Relationships in our past often become a mirror of what we experienced, whether it was good or bad. If all we know is bad relationships, then bad relationships is often all we look for. The past molds us to believe that is all we deserve.
One of the easiest ways I have learned to think about those bad relationships, is by referring to the type guy I was looking for as a “Bozo”, like the clown, rather than the ideal guy from the Book of Ruth named “Boaz”. (Idea came from one of my favorite books, Lady in Waiting). God doesn’t want us to “settle” for a Bozo, that is why he has given us principles to follow so we can have our very own Boaz.
I cannot tell you how many friends and families I have seen break apart because of two people simply settling. There have been girls and guy friends in my life that I have watched end up resenting their spouse, because they reminded them of someone in their past that hurt them. They let what they thought they deserved dictate who they allowed into their lives and hearts.
Let me explain this through personal experience. Growing up, I lived in a home where my parents did not always get along. Ok, in truth they hardly ever had a civil moment. There would be loud arguments followed by days of them avoiding one another. Then they would just ignore what had happened and act like it never did. As years went by, the angry words started to lash out at me, so much so that later I learned that it actually causing me to develop mental health issues, which I am still working through today over 15 years later. I became the middle person for both of my parents, and I couldn’t escape. I felt alone, trapped, angry, and confused. “How could this be the picture of a Christian marriage?”
All I knew was this type of broken relationship, so when I saw someone with something different, I couldn’t understand it or believe that I was deserving of one like it. I didn’t know what love was, so when it came time to look for a potential spouse, I searched in all the wrong places. My ideal guy was a Bozo with an attitude. I liked the bad boys that pushed limits at church, because they knew that even if they tried to be “good” they still wouldn’t be good enough. If you didn’t act a certain way or wear the right type of clothes, you were considered the “bad kids.” The thought we all had was, “Might as well have as much fun as you can because we will never be the perfect princesses and princes the church wanted us to be?” Even when I did meet a good guy years later in college, I couldn’t allow myself to believe that he could ever be interested in me.
It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s and away from the toxic environment I grew up in, that I learned my whole thought process for what I deserved was wrong. Ryan, my now husband, told me that I was worthy of love and that he knew that God didn’t want me to settle for just a “Bozo”. Ryan showed me what a true, healthy relationship was by helping me see myself through the eyes of God. He taught me what love is and that I was deserving of it from a real modern day “Boaz”.
We can break this destructive cycle that our families and pasts create, and run toward the type of relationship that God has designed for us. Like I said earlier, God gave us the book of Ruth to help us to see that there is a “Boaz” out there for each and every one of His girls. And we can become one lucky guy’s Ruth, if we give ourselves to God in total abandonment and allow him to guide our steps. Don’t settle for a Bozo because that is what you think you deserve, because you don’t. You are God’s child and he wants you to reach for a Boaz that he has for you.
And be patient, God’s timing is everything. Don’t settle for someone right before God brings your Boaz around the corner.
Signing off,
Tami